Re: Church Hugs… We Can Do Better. I Can Do Better.

I grew up in what is sometimes referred to as the “Evangelical purity culture,” which meant we had codes of conduct and rules for everything in order to be “pure.” Music from Amy Grant was not OK because she danced a little too suggestively. At youth camps, no 2-piece bathing suits were allowed. And “spaghetti-strap” tops were banned too.

There were also spoken and unspoken rules about hugs. Side-hugs were encouraged if hugging was necessary, while full-on hugs were definitely not OK.

I think the heart behind all these codes of conduct were to help prevent people (guys) from “stumbling.” I also tend to think the codes were created by individuals who were overly-obsessed with preventing “stumbling.” And maybe it was really all about the rule-makers own personal struggles…

Anyway, the imprint is there. I’ve been giving out pure handshakes and side-hugs for decades now.

It’s kinda funny too – whenever someone circumvents my purity code side-hug and goes in for a full-frontal, I immediately think, “They’re not from church.”

This just happened to me the other day. I was at an event – it was a reunion of sorts. Friends from 25 years ago were there. It was fun, happy, nostalgic. When one of those friends saw Shari, she ran over and gave her a big ol’ hug. Then she moved in towards me… at which point I held out my hand for a proper handshake. She scoffed, pushed my hand aside, said, “I’ve known you since I was like 5,” and pulled me in for a huge hug.

And it was a doozy.

A good one.

I think she works out.

I couldn’t even squeeze out and turn it into a side-hug.

And I couldn’t help it. My mind said, “I don’t think she goes to church…” But I continued with my internal dialog, “…which is why she gives such good hugs.”

Ugh. What an indictment – not on her, but on us. On me…

That good hugs come from people who don’t go to church.

I’ve known this for a while now, but just haven’t been sure what to do with it. Regarding church hugs… we can do better. I can do better.

I was reading Sebastian Junger’s book TRIBE: On Homecoming and Belonging last week. In the book he recounts a study done in the 1950′s…

Baby monkeys were separated from their mothers and given a choice between two kinds of surrogates: a cuddly “mother” made out of terry cloth or an uninviting “mother” made of wire mesh – the wire mesh, however, contained a bottle that dispensed warm milk.

The babies took their nourishment as quickly as possible and then rushed back to cling to the terry cloth “mother,” which had enough softness to provide at least the illusion of affection.

Clearly, touch and closeness are vital to the health of baby primates—including humans.

This study had me thinking about church. Just feeding people – even with spiritual food – isn’t enough. There must be closeness, connection, warmth, and affection.

The bottom line: we can do better. I can do better.

Watch out! I’m coming at you with a hug…

and it will be a doozy.